Dangerous Myths About Polygamy

With the Fundamentalist Mormons once again in the news, it is important to take a look at the practice that is highlighted by our "news" organizations --- polygamy. As this is an option chosen by over 50,000 Amercians, it is an important issue to address in a Spiritual Blog. How should those of us who are Spiritual see polygamous relationships? How should we treat those who are in one? Let's get rid of some of the dangerous myths that surround this uncommon, but growing, practice. (NOTE: Just as my writings on homosexual marriage, of which I approve, should not make one believe I am gay, one should not necessarily believe anything at all about my marital choices because of this article.)

Polygamy, the practice of being married to multiple husbands or wives, has gotten a “bad rap” from the fact that many practitioners of polygamy are either Mormon or Muslim. These are religions that Americans think are “weird,” and, as a result, see anything that is generally done by them to be “wrong.”

Because polygamy is mainly practiced by there unpopular religions, some very bad stereotypes have grown up around this practice. As ignorance leads to violence in America and Americans insist on believing that every single things has a “military solution,” here are some myths that should be busted on polygamy.

1). Polygamy is restricted to Mormons, Muslims and other weird religions. No, it isn’t. Many practitioners of polygamy are non-religious, and polygamy is practiced within many religious groups.

2). Women are forced or coerced into this practice. Nope. Sometimes it is the women who initiate it. While it might not make sense to you to want someone to share “your” man, it does make sense for many women.

3). Polygamy is bigamy. “Bigamy” is the practice of having two wives where one party, at least, is kept ignorant of the other. Because in polygamous marriages everyone tends to sleep with everyone else, it is unusual for them not to know about one another.

4). Polygamists wear prarie clothing and bonnets. Whatever. Some fundamentalist Mormons do. Most polygamists are indistinguishable from you or me.

5). Girls are forced into polygamous marriages very, very young. Very rarely and only in the Fundamentalist LDS Church organizations. Virtually all polygamous marriages are conducted between consenting adults.

6). Polygamy is exploitative of women. “Exploitation” is a code word for “feminists don’t like it.” Any form of marriage can certainly exploit men or women. Polygamous marriages sometimes wind up simply using women as objects. So do monogamous marriages. It is the people involved, not the marital form, that wind up exploitative. Feminists, Christians, “advocates” and so on should simply keep their noses out of people’s genitals. If a polygamous relationship is contracted between consenting adults, it is nobody’s business but theirs. It is condescending and insulting to the women involved to say that they’re involved in an exploitative relationship. Isn’t that for them to decide?

7). Polygamy complicates divorce, property settlements and child custody arrangements. Yes, it does. But, if memory serves, the law has handled social changes before. I know politicians are pretty brainless and those politicians who make laws very few working brain cells at all, but I’m sure something will be figured out.

8). Polygamy is against God’s Law! There are many answers to this accusation, including “who told you.” Not everyone accepts the Christian Bible as being the definitive rule book for people. However, even if one does accept the Bible (which I don’t) as a rule book for modern humans, polygamy is common in both Old and New Testaments. Polygamy is still not considered against Jewish Law, although most American Jews do not practice polygamy. The issue here is deeper, though. The issue is whether the belief system of a minority (Christians) in the world should be allowed to be crammed down the throats of those who do not hold that religion….or it that religion’s viewpoint should be permitted to be codified into law. My answer to both is “hell, no!” If I’m not a Christian, I shouldn’t have to be bound by their laws or follow their Bible. Making it civil law, in my opinion, violates the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.

9). Polygamists marry off their teenaged daughters to older men. Some certainly do. These people deserve to be jailed. This is a clear violation of the laws regarding underage sexual relationships. If such occur, off to the hoosegow. But this has absolutely nothing to do with polygamy per se. It is like saying that, because so many Roman Catholic priests are pedophiles, that the Roman Catholic Priesthood (also a marriage option) should be prohibited. As always, the people who are “sexual moralists” blur and confuse any argument by bringing in extraneous issues. This is certainly one of them.

10). Polygamists belong to a cult. Some polygamists are involved with the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints Church. Many others are Islamic. But this lifestyle cuts across all lines. Like “exploitative,” “cult” is one of those words that is applied to something that some groups don’t like. The word “cult” is applied to any religious or spiritual option that Christians don’t like, but isn’t large enough to have a press department.

11). Polygamists live in compounds and refuse to have their children educated in public schools. Again, some do, some don’t. I suspect that most polygamists would be much more comfortable about sending their children to public schools if the public schools had not, in the last couple of decades, adopted a policy of interrogating children as to the sexual habits of their parents, and sending social services out if those sexual habits don’t exactly match the things society completely approves of.

But most polygamists don't live in compounds. Those that live in community (“compounds” is another “trigger” word that people who oppose them use) don’t necessarily keep themselves from the outside world. And, even if they do, that is their Constitutional right. Isn’t it funny how we go after someone who actually exercises his or her rights under the Constitution?

As to public schooling….I wouldn’t send any kids of mine to today’s public school, although my daughter went from Middle School on to one. They messed up her mind with their crap. I want my kids of this marriage, when they are of age, educated at a private school where they’ll actually get an education rather than indoctrination into the belief systems of a very sick society.
12). Women in polygamous relationships have no where else to go. This is simply absurd. While those who are Fundamentalist of any stripe tend, as a group, to be incredibly uneducated and ignorant to several decimal places (like Sarah Palin), I know polygamous relationships where the wives have graduate degrees, successful careers, and even most of the money in the relationship. They have plenty of other places to go. They just choose to stay with their spouses…all 2, 3, 4 or 5 (or more) of them. And being poor and ignorant may be looked down on in America, but it doesn’t mean that those women in polygamous relationships who are poor and ignorant are also unable to get out of that relationship if they wish. The fact that so many have done so bespeaks the fact that leaving is quite possible. There are many support groups for women. It is much more difficult for men to leave an abusive relationship.

13). Polygamous relationships are abusive. Just like any other relationship, some are. Most aren’t. As always, though, when Christians don’t like something they start the propaganda machine. The abused women will be trotted out and displayed, made to look as pathetic as possible, and tell very sad stories. By doing the exact same thing anyone could make a case against marriage, homosexuality, heterosexuality, dating, cohabitation, etc. One could even make a claim that football is “bad for children.” The Christians are some great propagandists. It is too bad that so many people fall for their propaganda.

14). There is a higher instance of child abuse in polygamist families than in non-polygamous families. There is no evidence for this, and no statistics to support this.

15). Polygamists believe oppressive religions. Yes, some of them might. AND????? The right of people to believe any damned fool thing they wish was one of the pillars of founding this country. The drumbeat against certain religions is simply part of the slow and steady Christian plan to turn America into an Evangelical Theocracy. I don’t want to live under such a system, and I hope neither do you.

16). Polygamy is about sex, sex, sex for the incredibly lustful man who collects wives. Well, in one sense, marriage is about sex, too. You don’t see people protesting because newlyweds do everything possible to have a week or two of uninterrupted sexual fun called a “Honeymoon.”

But most polygamy is not about sex. In fact, for a variety of logistical and psychological reasons, the man who has multiple wives probably gets less sex than the one who is monogamous. Americans have very dirty minds.

Most polygamy is about love, something Americans don’t like much. Most sister-wives are best friends and see themselves as sisters. In non-religious polygamy, the wives are often sexual with one another as well as being sexual with their co-husband.

Any objection to this is, once again, based on Christian beliefs which they have no right to cram down our throats, either by their incessant preaching or by passing laws based on their intolerance and lies.

Most polygamists are solid family people who have a great deal of love to share. Virtually all polygamy is consensual between consenting adults. While those two beasts, the Church and the State, wish to interfere with people’s rights regarding sex, the Supreme Court has mostly said that they can’t. Most polygamists would love for a case to be filed soon, as the composition of the Court is changing dramatically in the next couple of years under a Democratic administration. It is likely that sexual privacy would trump “Onward Christian Soldiers.”

As there has not been a successful polygamy qua polygamy case filed in over 50 years, however, this sounds like a non-starting issue for the right wingnuts, Christians and Muslims. Better luck next time.

Now, most people aren’t in a polygamous relationship. So why should you care what the government does to some fringe people who want to love more than one person? Well, there are several reasons you must care. First, we all lose every time the government and the Christians make their unholy alliance and interfere in our lives. We must break the tie between the Evangelical and Roman Churches and the State. Those of us who do not want these people ruling our lives pay taxes, fight in uniform and so on as well. It is a horrible precedent to allow one religion or religious coalition to have influence in the government. It is even bad precedent for the Christians as well. We are protecting them, too, by creating and enforcing an incredibly strong barrier between Church and State. After all, the next group wanting control could be Muslim or Atheist.

The second reason you must care is that it could be you next. As Pastor Neimoller said,
First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left to speak out for me.

If we do not speak out for the polygamists, gays, lesbians and others in alternate sexual relationships, when they try to regulate what we do in the bedroom, with whom we may have sex, and so on, there will be no one left to speak out. The right to sexual expression and sexual privacy, in whatever configuration we wish, is one of the most basic of human rights. We must not allow Christians and the State in unholy alliance to continue to interfere with it.

The third and final reason that you must care is the we must forever break the control of the tyranny of the majority and the tyranny of religion over the behavior of an obstensibly free people. As long as the superstitions of the past and the coercive power of the State are joined in unholy matrimony and control this most private and personal of activities, we are enslaved to the State….and the Church. For those who choose to be under the rule of the Church, this is fine for them. But many of us choose not to be under the rule of superstition and religion. For those who make the latter choice….freedom from religion is essential, or we are not truly free.

Freedom.

J.

One Man, One Woman and a Mistress?

Like many other people have in recent years, she told her mother and father about her relationship. She has entered into a very loving, very deep Triune (three people married to one another) marriage. But it wouldn’t have mattered if it was a Trine (a Triune Marriage), a lesbian relationship, impending marriage to a Black or Hispanic or Muslim, or even marriage to someone of a religion they don’t accept as a “good American one.” They disowned her because she didn’t live life their way according to the “values” that they espoused.

Of course, her father is having an affair. Her mom probably knows about it, but is probably too afraid to mention it. They said “We’re traditional Americans. We believe in one man and one woman in holy matrimony.” Ummmhmmm….one man, one woman and a mistress or three. But she is wrong because her relationship doesn’t fit the mold of their narrow Republican way of life.

What business it is of ANYONE’s what someone else, even one’s grown children, do with their genitals is beyond me. How someone else’s marriage to another person or other persons effects THEIR marriage I’ve never had anyone explain…well, I’ll take that back. I had ONE person explain it. My friend, we’ll call him “Edison,” a Republican and an Evangelical, told me the truth. He said it was about money. He said that Republicans didn’t want alternative relationships to have the same tax breaks, insurance and other privileges that traditionally married people have. Typical Christian reaction….they want to keep all of their privileged place in society and deny it to everyone else.

This is a major problem in American society. Republicans, Christians, etc. want to have a privileged position and deny that to everyone else. Disgusting and morally reprehensible.

Many (perhaps most) Christians who condemn others are terrible hypocrites as I think the ongoing revelations about pastors of mega-churches and their boy-toys, girl-toys and affairs clearly show. Tim Haggerty at Grace Church in Highlands Ranch preached on Sunday against gay relationships at the same time as he was being anally penetrated several times a month by a gay prostitute. Gee….I wonder where in their narrow little Baaable they get the exception for top ministers being buggered by gay prostitutes? Must be toward the rear of the Bible.

These people are the truly disgusting people of the world. Jesus called them “Whitewashed tombs.” Outside they put on their pillar of the community airs and pretensions while inside they are filled with hypocrisy, hate, bigotry, lying, thieving and betrayal. Jesus NEVER criticized a gay or lesbian relationship (yes, they had them back then). He never said much about people sleeping with other people. He had LOTS to say about the “vipers brood” who were the pillars of the community. Jesus DESPISED these people. The very people who hurt and reject those who are honest about their love relationships and whom they choose to love using Jesus’ Name and their “Christian” and “Traditional ‘Merican” values are the very people that Jesus would completely reject. He even said that prostitutes, thieves and murderers would be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven, but these people would not.

Truly I say to the preachers, the ministers, the “righteous,” the “pillars of the community,” the “good upright honest Americans” and others who condemn people for whom they love and what they are — gays, lesbians, polygamists, and others are much better people than you are in the eyes of God. God cares far more for people who love than you who hate, who are bigoted, who reject your own children, and condemn the sexual choices of others than God does for you. You “good upright people,” right wingers, talk show hosts, conservative Republicans, and so on, are the truly evil of the earth. In your board rooms, your petty little churches and your cliques of organizations, and, yes, even around your kitchen table, is most of the true evil of the world planned. In these places you support slavery in other countries, torture by Americans (even of Americans, much less others who were innocent) and unspeakable horrors. You and your violence, hatred and strife are responsible for much of the pain of this world. You deserve whatever harsh judgment any God might mete out, if there is such a thing. In the heaven I believe in, there is no place for you, as heaven is love and all you do is hate.

Spiritual People are open and accepting of the choices of others. I despise most of what Evangelicals, Pentecostals, Roman Catholics, etc. teach. Yet, I would defend to the death their right to believe and preach their flatheaded idiocy. This is the difference between us. I would defend in every way possible their right to live any way they want. They would defend to the death their right to force me to live their way, even if it means torturing me, killing me, jailing me, taking away my civil liberties, etc. It is very clear to me that their way, although I would defend their right to believe it and live it, is very evil, and the way of the Spiritual People who would defend the rights of even people who hate them, is a way of Light.

I would hasten to add that not all who espouse Evangelicalism, Pentecostalism, etc. are like this. Many are loving and open people who are not judgmental of others. But these, sadly, are the exception.

Those who live in judgment and hate convince themselves that their own peccadilloes are simply “small lapses.” They “can’t help it,” even though they’re “sinning.” A Tim Hagggerty possibly believes that he is above the very “law of God” that he preaches (as well as ignoring the Baaable he pretends to preach). They compartmentalize and convince themselves, somehow, that they are not hypocrites. Rather than placing themselves in with all of humanity and realizing that an ideal sexual relationship doesn’t exist, they judge others while they, themselves, pay for prostitutes (gay or lesbian or straight), diddle the altar boys or parishioners, and somehow justify what they’re pulling as they condemn others who do the exact same things. As Jesus said, he won’t judge anyone. Their very own words and actions judge them without Jesus having to do a thing. Those who are loving and accepting are loved and accepted by God. Those who are hypocritical and hateful are unable to be in the Presence of God.

Make no mistake that this is what the “culture wars” are really all about. There is one side that insists that others live their way. There is another side that insists that people be left alone and unmolested to live any way they wish without interference by the government or the church or anything else. One side coerces, the other side just wants to be left alone to live and love. I know which side I’m on. I also am pretty sure which side is more on the side of Light and which side serves Darkness. How about you?

Love, peace, freedom, and prosperity.

J.

Very Smart Women, Very Stupid Decisions

I know some of the brightest women in the world. In my job and in my circles I don’t tend to meet very many stupid or vacuous women. I do tend to meet a large number of highly educated, very personally powerful and drop-dead gorgeous women…who make incredibly stupid decisions about men!

Powerful women make the most absurd decisions around men and their lives wind up as absolutely miserable. Here are some of the choices I see these women making…and some things that can be done about it.

1). They get involved with whimpazoids. Powerful women tend to choose ineffectual men who do whatever these women tell them to do. This is fine for a very short while, after which these women completely lose respect for these no-nuts guys and dump them, or just denigrate them.

2). Peter Pan. Women in their 20’s through the 40’s (including my daughter and many of my friends) are choosing perpetual children who want a mommie or a rich auntie to let them play and take care of them.

Women — real men work for a living at a job that actually can help pay bills in a household. They don’t spend their time drinking beer with their buddies, playing with their videogames, mountain bikes, cars, motorcycles, animals, sports, what have you, smoking grass or cigarettes, and not producing. These people aren’t men. They are overgrown, spoiled babies and will never be men.

And don’t delude yourself that they will grow up when they have children. They don’t. They might get a job, but they will still be just as spoiled and childish as ever….and will tend to go through jobs and get fired because they cannot relate as adult human beings. Of course, they will always blame someone else for their firing. After all…they’re perfect and expect to be loved just because they are (isn’t that special?!?). In fact, women, what you will have if you get pregnant and have a child, isn’t a child and a newly matured daddy. You will have two children to take care of, and the overgrown one will get petulant and demanding because you aren’t coddling him anymore…and may even get jealous of the kid sucking your teat….after all it is his, not the baby’s. So, you’ll have a job that you have to work hard at to keep since you’re the main breadwinner and you’d be living in a trailer park without your salary (or on the streets), one tiny child and one overgrown child, and you won’t do well at either the job nor the legitimate baby because the big baby will be messin’ with you….like he always does.

3). Abusers. Here is one I’ll never understand if I live to be one million years old. Powerful women often choose verbally or physically abusive men for some stupid reason.

Let’s be real. The first time that he is truly abusive, whether verbally or physically, should be the last. Regardless of your absurd hopes, almost all abusers will not and do not change for good. They may get a bit better and change into the world’s nicest guy…for a while. But the urge to abuse is too deep-seated for most of these people to change. Get out while you can….preferably before you have been totally beaten into the ground, ruined your financial life, or received broken bones, bruises or contusions…..or a coffin.

Don’t tell me how hard it is to get out “when you are in it.” I’ve had dozens of women tell me how easy it is for me to sit on the sidelines and se what should be done, but how hard it is when he looks at her and promises and so on. Sorry. Staying with an abuser is never an intelligent decision. You may be book smart, and a very good businessperson, but you aren’t very smart if you stay with an abuser. Get out. Now.

4). Substance abusers. It won’t change. The bottle top or the drugs are more attractive than you are, no matter how drop-dead gorgeous you are. You aren’t going to compete with the chemical highs. And if he is on both drugs and alcohol….check the stats for recovery. Not good! If you’re with a man who is hooked on drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, etc., you must be a masochist, because it is never going to change at home. You are enabling this guy by staying. Get out, let him hit bottom, and don’t go back until and unless he is “clean and sober” for a full year….and then keep a packed suitcase by the door to leave if he starts again.

Alcoholics and addicts are worse than children. They need constant feedback or they will just go back to their chemical tit. The repeat rate for these people is very, very high. In my experience, I have never seen a combination addict and alcoholic ever reform….ever. And, frankly, I’ve seen lost of dry drunks, but have never seen an alcoholic who can go on to have a fully adult and involved relationship at a high level. I’m not saying they’re not there…I’ve just never seen them.

5). Commitment phobes. “I gotta be free….” Yeah, well, if I were a woman I’d say, “Be free. Don’t let me stop you. There’s the door and freedom lies outside of it.” If someone can’t make a commitment, they can’t have a relationship. Period. End of story.

As a man I’m going to give you a clue. If he doesn’t want to marry you pretty quickly (say, within a few months) he just isn’t that “into” you. Dump him and get someone who will treat you like you should be treated. “I’m not ready” means “I don’t want to marry you."

Look, how many men have you known who told you that they weren’t ready for marriage and then, when they dumped you or a friend, went out and got married right away. When men say that they aren’t “ready” for marriage, what they mean is that they don’t want to marry you, but will marry “the right person.”

Contrary to propaganda (and I may get kicked out of the Men’s Club for revealing this) men like marriage. After all, it gives them a stable place to come home to after they’ve been fooling around (sorry…couldn’t resist…). Seriously, men like the stability of marriage for all their griping about it. They may not like the fact that it precludes them from having other girlfriends, but they like it. This is why you’ll see lots of women living alone for a year or so after divorce, but almost all men are living with someone in a quasi-marriage as soon as one has ended. Men don’t like to live alone.

So ignore this “I’m not ready.” It means “I just don’t love you."

Now I want to say a few very honest words from my heart to the beautiful, powerful and loving women I know out there. Listen carefully. Come here and get ready for tender words. Here they come. Get your heads out of your private parts and start to use them!!!

I’m really sad when I see you, my beloved friends, and other beautiful women, being treated like doormats. I feel ashamed for my gender when I see you being ordered around, verbally abused, not appreciated, or made to feel “less than.” But, look. It is mostly your issue, not that of the assholes that you are hanging with.

If every smart, sexy, beautiful, powerful, brainy, successful woman on the face of the earth would make a pact tomorrow to stop putting up with this crap, guys would stop treating you this way.

If I were a woman I would demand all that the traffic would bear. I wouldn’t be spreading my legs for a guy until he worked his ass off for me in every way possible. And settling for a Peter Pan or substance abuser? HA! Those people wouldn’t get within spitting distance of me.

Here is a clue for you, since so many of you need to buy one. There are plenty of powerful, loving, caring men out there who actually make a living, can keep their word, and would love to marry you and treat you like a medieval queen….if you’d stop looking at the losers, bad boys, perpetual children, alkies, and so on, and look at them, stop calling them “nice guys,” who bore you, and understand that loving someone is a lifetime proposition, not a roller coaster ride.

Don’t go out with Peter Pan. Don’t go out with a whimpazoid. Don’t go out with an abuser of women or substances. And if you start to go out with someone and find out that they are one of these, dump him at once. Don’t delude yourself that you can change him, rescue him, save him, reform him, or otherwise do anything except get hurt by him. No one can. NO ONE.

Hold out for a powerful alpha male type who can be a partner to you in every way. I’m not saying he has to make as much money as you or have the same title, or even be successful in a worldly sense. But there is a great deal of difference between an out-of-work canvas painter who barely has enough to buy canvases (until you, of course) and a teacher of disabled kids who makes $30K a year teaching in an inner city school. The former is a loser. The latter is a gem. Success takes many forms. But being the most successful videogame player on the block (unless one’s job is developing videogames) is not success. Being able to consume a 12-pak of Sewers Beer in 20 minutes is not an accomplishment.

There are some great alpha male types who will treat you like a queen, love you, rub your tired feet, talk to you, and work with you side by side. I was once single, and I fit the above. If there is one of me, there are more of me, trust me. Not all of us are married, gay, or living with our mommies.

Hold out, women! Don’t fall for a loser, a whimp, a baby, an abuser or a commitment phobe. Wait for the real thing. And enjoy a lifetime of happiness.

Love to all of you,

J.

Dealing with Abusive Relationships

Today we must look at the dark side of marriage and significant other — abusive relationships. I was in a verbally abusive relationship which, as most of these relationships do, turned into a physically abusive relationship. I am posting this the Sacred Spiritual Marriage, Sacred Spiritual Singles and Sacred Spiritual Relationships sites, as well as the Spiritual Mastery site, as I have had several women in abusive relationships come through my life recently, and believe this is a very important topic…and not everyone reads all of the blogs.

There are some signs that you are in an abusive relationship, other than bruises and contusions or broken bones…or death. Here are the signs that your relationship is abusive.

1). Fear. While we all want to please our spouse, the main sign of an abusive relationship (unless, of course, we have our own major issues causing this problem) is that you’re always afraid.

Fear is going to be our sometime companion in any relationship because of our imperfect nature. But in an abusive relationship fear is right beside us most of the time. We’re always afraid that what we do will get the abuser angry, trigger conflict, trigger a power struggle, etc. We conform our behaviors to what the abuser wants in every case, rather than what is best for us, the children, or our work.

2). Choosing the abuser all the time over everything else. Someone in an abusive relationship will be rude to friends and family, slack on work, and do highly inappropriate things at the instigation of the abuser. For example, the typical abuser will call several times in a day to assure that the one being abused “still loves him” or is doing what she has instructed him to do, etc. The abused person will blow off important meetings, restrict social and recreational activities, and so on to do what the abuser wants, or have “an important conversation” with the abuser.

While it is normal to place our relationship with a significant other first in our lives, it is also normal to put the needs of that relationship “on hold” for a while in order to handle other important things. If you have missed an important work meeting or blown off an appointment with a friend because your significant other just absolutely needed to speak with you yet again, and just then…well, you might well be in an abusive relationship.

3). Isolation. I want Nicole to have great friends around who are supportive and fun. I’m constantly encouraging her to have lunch or dinner with a friend (we tend not to do breakfast…such a disgusting meal…). The abuser wants to isolate the abused person from all other social contacts other than those he or she provides. The abuser will say things like “Family has to come first,” and “If you loved me you’d want to be with me,” and so on. This will be combined with pathological suspicion of the friends that the abused person spends time with.

4). Short Leash. The abused person is kept on a short leash. The abuser needs to know where the abused person is precisely at all times. It is normal to get concerned about one’s spouse if he or she is not answering a cell phone or isn’t home when expected. It is not normal to call 2 minutes after a meeting is supposed to be over and say “where are you and what are you doing?”.

5). Jealousy and Suspicion. This alone is not the sign of an abusive relationship, but with the other signs can be a good indication. Trust is the basis of a loving relationship. Unless that has been really broken or betrayed, it should be there.

6). Negative Comments. The abuser will constantly be putting down the abused person. There will be very little complimentary, and a great deal of negativity. Also, this negativity doesn’t necessarily have to be about the abused person. It can just be general, persistent negativity about everything, which includes the abused person. Everyone goes through times when they are unhappy with the appearance, demeanor or behavior of one’s significant other. If this is pretty consistent, there is a problem.

7). Needing a Script. If you need a script to speak with your significant other, or you are wrong, you are in an abusive relationship.

8). Blaming. If you are always to blame, no matter what, and he or she is never to blame, never does anything wrong, etc., then you are in an abusive relationship. While most troubled marriages have one person who is more the problem than the other, no one is entirely to blame for relationships problems. And, if there is cheating, it is almost always for some reasons, so even that is not 100% the cheater’s “fault” on a usual basis.

9). Yelling. I’m a ranter and a raver. When I’m frustrated I rant and rave. But I don’t yell at Nicole. Some people vent by ranting and raving, others keep it inside. Either way is OK, but yelling at one’s spouse all the time is not “venting.” It is verbal abuse.

A note on this one. Many people raise their voices when arguing or heated. This is not, in and of itself, abuse. I’m speaking of a persistent raised voice volume.

10). Violence. Violence of any kind is abuse, period. If s/he throws things when angry, punches things, destroys things, or similar behaviors, this is abuse. If you are shoved, pushed, grabbed tightly, forcibly turned, pushed and held down, or struck in any way, this is also abuse. And the latter things are also illegal.

Abuse usually gets worse over the years. Without a great deal of help, the abuser will not change, and it is dicey even then. It is dangerous for you and your children to remain around such a person. They are a danger to you and the children and others. Trust me on this…I’ve been there. Anyway….here are a few things that you should do if the above sounds like your relationships (and, above, I haven’t been exhaustive in signs of an abusive relationship…this is a blog post, not a book…):

1). Get out. The best thing you can do in an abusive relationship is to immediately, completely and totally get out. Don’t pass “go.” Do not collect $200.00. Take yourself and the children and leave! Staying and hoping things will get better is the most stupid thing you can do. They won’t.

Oh, abusers have your number. When they sense that their punching bag is leaving they will take you out to dinner, give you loving touches, give you sex, buy you expensive gifts, and so on. I’m constantly amazed at how easy it is (and cheap, too) for abusers to keep their punching bags around. And make no mistake…that’s all you are. You are a punching bag, either physically, verbally or both, until you get out. Don’t question it, don’t wonder, don’t delay. Get out!

2). Trust your support group. Trust your support group. They have your interests at heart and you don’t have your own interests at heart. If you’ve found a loving group of people who truly want what is best for you, listen to them. You are not able to make good decisions about this. They are.

3). Don’t isolate your support group. Many abused people really torque off their support group by saying hurtful things to them, eventually having them shake their heads and walk away. I’ve walked away more than once when I’ve been accused of trying to break up a family, trying to get an abused woman for myself, and so on. It is amazing the lengths to which abused people, especially abused women, will go to convince themselves to stay in an abusive relationship. Treat your support group with love and care or they will go away, and you’ll be isolated again.

4). Get a support group. If you’ve been isolated, break free of this and obtain a group of loving people who are not hateful toward the gender of your significant other. Then nurture and listen to them.

5). Protect your children. If you’re too beaten down to protect you, protect the children. Even if it is “just” verbal abuse, you are harming your children by leaving them in that environment. Take them and get out, and let the courts sort out visitation and so on. But, if you don’t have the guts to stand up for you, at least be a good parent and stand up for your kids.

6). Listen to professional counselors, spiritual leaders, and so on. Unless you’re in certain kinds of Islam or right wingnut Christianity, your spiritual leaders are good people to listen to. Ditto counselors you have retained. Beware fundamentalist Christian counselors or clergy, however, as they may well counsel staying no matter what. This can be deadly both spiritually and, often, on the physical plane.

7). If a friend offers a safe haven, take it.

8). Don’t make friends and family suffer for your relationship. If you are interacting with others, following simple etiquette and rules of common courtesy will go a long way toward breaking the abuse cycle.

9). Refuse to interact with the abuser or get “drawn in.” Living with your abuser if you have any other choice…including a shelter…is beyond self-destructive. It is an incredibly foolish choice. If you must interact with this person, never do it alone. Do it in the presence of professional counselors or spiritual leaders or your friends. There is safety and strength in numbers, and being with others will keep the interactions civil. Don’t mistake these interactions in front of others for change on the abuser’s part, however. It is my experience that abusers very, very rarely change much. And you aren't the exception, trust me.

10). Get professional or spiritual help. I’m not a “psych” fan. But a professional marriage counselor, psychotherapist or counselor is sometimes better than nothing. If you have a spiritual bent, find a spiritual leader who has his or her feet on the ground, believes in you and can advise you.

11). Have an affair. WHAT?!?!? Did I just say that? Yep, I did. If you are unable to leave an abusive relationship any other way, having an affair is often the lesser of two evils. While I don’t recommend affairs often, if you’re in an abusive relationship, you’ve been told how stupid, fat, lazy, incompetent, ugly, etc. that you are. Having and affair will dispel that in your mind. The person you’re having an affair with will, for a time, see you as gorgeous, perfect, wonderful in every way, etc. It is hard to stay with someone who sees you as a stupid, lazy cow when you’re simultaneously being told that you are a sleek, sexy fox.

But be aware — this affair isn’t your salvation. It is a stopgap measure if you can’t leave an abusive relationship in any other way. I know I’ll get howls from the Christian crowd on this as well as from feminists, but I can tell you that, in my 30 years of counseling people, the most successful way that people leave abusive relationships is to have, at the very least, an emotional affair, if not a physical one.

Many people can’t leave a relationship until they have another one. If this is you, recognize that an affair is a short term stopgap, and that it might be unhealthy, but it is the lesser of two evils, and may well protect your kids.

There are many other things I could say, but posts are limited in length.

Love, peace, joy and prosperity to each of you.

J.

Different Kinds of Primary Relationships

There are numerous kinds of relationships that serve God and others. I want to define some words first, however, as the “street” meaning of the words is likely different from their defined meaning.

“Relationship” refers to any interaction that is ongoing between two people It does NOT refer exclusively to a sexual relationship. Friendships, working relationships, sibling relationships, parenting relationships and so on are also important relationships. This post refers to what might be called a “primary” relationship, sexual or non-sexual, with God and self alone, one other person, or more people. I have had numerous visions in both Shamanic Journeying and Dream Time leading to a major paradigm shift in my understanding of primary relationships. I believe Spirit wants us to expand our understanding of primary relationships so that the narrow understandings of this are no longer the norm over time. I would like to make clear that I do not think that this expanded understanding is supposed to necessarily “expand” anyone’s current relationship, but that understanding will grow over the generations to come.

“Intimate” and “Intimacy” refers to any relationship where people open themselves up deeply to one another in a variety of ways. While these ways may include sexual intercourse or other sexual behavior, they need not do so. When I use “intimacy” I am never referring to “sexual intimacy” unless the word “sexual” precedes the word “intimacy.” Too many people have their minds focused on their genitalia or that of others! And too many people place way too much importance on what goes on with their genitalia, as well as way too much emphasis on any sexual feelings they may have. This is a major sickness of our society, and is especially prevalent among “spiritual people.”

My wife and I are in a Traditional Paired Marriage and a Spiritual Paired Marriage, both, with one another. As Orthodox Christians our marriage is for time and eternity. Death does not part the Orthodox couple, and the Orthodox marriage service does not refer to “till death do us part.”

Hermits. It may seem strange to say that hermits have ANY kind of relationship, but, in fact, they do. Their relationship is with God/Great Spirit, and, perhaps, with other entities that are around them.

There are two types of hermits. One kind remains a hermit forever. The second kind is a hermit for a time to learn about him or herself and the Universe, and then opens up his or her hermitage to others to learn from him or her. In most ancient Spiritual trainings, a time of celibacy (refraining from sexual activity) and hermitage are required for a novice to ingress the Spiritual Teachings. While this is very unpopular in today’s sexually obsessed culture, it is still the best way to become a Spiritual Adept or Master.

Celibacy. Refraining from sex may be practiced in any relationship, including hermitage, pairing, marriage, or community. Celibacy is the intentional refraining from sexual activity, usually, though not always, including masturbation, for a variety of reason from learning body, mind and/or spirit discipline (the reason I was celibate for a time) to having the energy to serve others. Celibacy may be for a time or a perpetual state.

Pairing. The most common relationship is that of pairing. This can be a sexual or non-sexual pairing, though, usually, between those who are sexually active, it is a sexual pairing. However, there are a variety of perpetual friendships and companionships that do not involve sex, either by agreement, or vow, or circumstance.

Marriage or domestic partnership. Traditional Marriage is a special kind of pairing that assumes sexuality and, often, progeny, though neither are necessary for marriage to actually occur. Spiritual Marriage may take place sexually or non-sexually. Those in a Spiritual Marriage agree to bond their souls and spirits together, sometimes for eternity. This is often combined with an earthly marriage, which is a contract between two people to perform certain things for one another. This kind of marriage is not parted by death. (Spiritual and Traditional Marriage is the type of relationship I am in with my wife.) This belief occurred in early Christianity, and still is the belief in much of Eastern Orthodoxy and various other non-Western Christian denominations, as well as in Mormonism.

A true Marriage is, however, quite rare these days. Most of the time what is termed “marriage” is actually a pairing that breaks apart when it ceases being convenient or fun for one person or the other. This has very nasty effects on the children of this pairing, as well as terrible Karma for both parties. It would be much better if people simply paired and did not get “married” until they were ready to make a true Marriage.

The hallmark of a true Marriage (Spiritual or Traditional) is the irrevocable nature of it. There is no ending a true Marriage. It is designed to endure, regardless of circumstances, over time, and even over distance or separation. True Spiritual Marriages are very powerful for both people involved in them. Again, they are quite rare these days, as people have become much more narcissistic, selfish and prideful. True Marriage of any kind requires the willingness to defer to one another, deep humility, and the willingness to learn from one another. Since most of America thinks that they are perfect, this becomes quite difficult to sustain.

However, true marriage is a beautiful and sacred union. It presages the greater union we are to have with all people who are loving on the next plane. This will be much easier for those who have successfully lived a true Marriage, for they have the habit of giving up their selfishness and own wills and compromising, deferring, and loving Another.

Trines or Triune Marriages/Relationships. A even more rare relationship is the Triune Marriage/Relationship, otherwise known as a Trine. A Trine usually occurs with people who believe that are the same soul expressing in different ways. Part or all of the Trine may involve sexuality, though, as with marriage, sex is far from necessary. A Trine, more often, tends to be a Spiritual Marriage, more than a worldly one, and where sex is often not going on between all three people. Sometimes two people in the Trine are married with sexuality, and a third person comes in where there is extreme closeness, but where there may or not be sexuality (usually not). Trines are meant to demonstrate the type of love found within God which, at least according to Christianity, is Triune in nature and, thus, “community based.” The purpose of a Trine is to demonstrate intimacy which differs from that in marriage, especially true intimacy between straight people of the same gender, which is difficult to achieve without the moderating influence of the opposite gender, though possible. Trines are more common, but by no means the norm, in gay and lesbian relationships.

There may also be Quartets, Pentagons, etc., although these become more and more rare the more people there are, as the relationships complexities tend to multiply exponentially. When sexuality is involved in Trines, Quartets, etc., this is often referred to as “polyamory,” or “loving many” relationships. Trines often, but not always, live in the same home or are part of a community.

This is very different from a “threesome,” which is usually a sexual relationship. This is neither the purpose nor a necessity in a true Trine. It is important to distinguish a true Trine, which is Spiritual and loving in nature, from a threesome, which is usually just an orgy scaled down. While true Trines are incredibly stable, threesomes very rarely last. Even in sanctioned polyamorous relationships, sex is rarely the glue that holds these together. (“Big Love” on HBO looks at some of this, although in the Fundamentalist Mormon community. It does, however, explore the complexities of this kind of relationship.) The people involved may be of different genders or the same gender. The existence of the polarity of different genders tends to stabilize a Trine, however. More Trines, Quartets, etc. are coming into being as Spirit wants to move people out of their insular paradigms into greater relationship with others. For a time, however, both polyamorous and deep, non-sexual intimate loving, will fall outside of the norm.

Community. Probably the most advanced and difficult relationship is Intentional Community. This is what Spirit is moving us towards, over the next couple of Centuries. We see this developing now in my daughter’s generation (23), where groups of people begin to intensely and intimately interact with one another, sharing many things, including sex, with one another without jealousy.

Most Community, however, does not involve sexuality, but other kinds of intimacy, including monetary, psychological, and spiritual. Either a sexual intentional community or a non-sexual intentional community has its challenges. In a sexual intentional community there is the possibility of jealousy, love triangles, and possessiveness. Often the leader of one of these communities wants to keep the younger women for himself, and the older women get slighted (this is the history of this, at least).

In a non-sexual intentional community (or where a community is built of Couples or Trines interacting, but not having sex with, the other members of the community) an element of bonding is not there, and sexual tension between members of the community who are either unmarried or married to someone else often develops, leading to, again, jealousy, fighting, possessiveness, and so on.

Same gender or mixed gender celibate communities often deal with immense sexual tensions, as well as a split between those who are truly practicing celibacy and those who are practicing homosexuality. This tension is very strong in modern monasticism.

The real purpose that Spirit is calling those in intentional community into is to be able to be intimate without jealousy, power struggles, possessiveness, and so on. That Spirit wants more communities to grow is very clear to me and many others. How Spirit will cause that to happen is not so clear. As intentional communities take a toehold, however, Spirit will doubtless help develop the tools to live in such a community without the resort, as of old, to rules, such as those St. Benedict instituted in his same-gender, mostly celibate, intentional communities. I do not know enough about Buddhist monasticism to comment on it. I would welcome instruction from one familiar with it.

All sorts of relationships exist to teach us to go outside of ourselves, put our narcissism aside, and truly give ourselves to others. This is the purpose of primary relationships. On the Paradisal plane we are, in a sense, “married” to everyone, as we will share ourselves intimately with all others. Therefore, “heaven” or “Paradise” is most like a loving intentional community where there is a much wider understanding of love and loving.

My space is up for this time. I will write more on various primary relationships at a later time.

Love to all,

J.

My Christmas Commitment to My Friends

This is the time of the year when people think about the people and things that matter to them. My wife, daughter and mom, my Spiritual Seekers and my friends matter deeply to me. This post lays out what I believe my commitment is to my friends. To my Spiritual Seekers and family it, of course, goes deeper. I promise the following things.

1). I will be there when you call, even if it is at 4 AM, or on a Saturday before noon (which is the time decent people get up).

2). If you need to see me and talk to me, I will do everything possible to make sure you can do that virtually immediately, including coming out in the middle of the night.

3). If you are in trouble, I will do my best with everything in my power to get you out of it.

4). If you need money or something else that I have, I will share it with you.

5). I may be angry at you, but I won’t abandon you.

6). I will allow you to be angry with me and still won’t abandon you.

7). If you become a right wing Republican I will put you out of your misery somehow. (Just joking on this one….kinda….)

8). I will neither fail you nor forsake you. We will go through both the good times and the bad together.

9). I will love you enough to hold you to your commitments and remind you when you attempt to dishonor yourself by not doing what you have promised me or others you will do.

10). I will always be honest with you, even if that honesty may be painful to you or to me.

11). If you are drunk, I will take away the keys and drive you home (since I don't often drink).

12). If you are ill and need me to take care of you, I will do so.

13). I will consistently remind you that we’re in this together and that you are not alone.

14). I will tell you regularly, in whatever way you can hear me, that I love you and am there for you.

15). I will take care of your kids, spouse, parents, etc. if you cannot to the best of my ability and resources.

16). I will welcome you into my home, although I will be honest enough to tell you if I cannot spend loads of time with you when you are here.

17). I will love you enough to expect you to reciprocate the love I extend to you to the greatest degree you are able.

18).. I will take you where you are “at,” but will love you enough to want you to grow.

19). I will respect your opinion when you want me to grow.

20). I will listen to you without judgment.

21). I will accept you without judgment, although I may well suggest different courses of action on some things.

22). I will freely admit when I have been wrong and humbly ask your forgiveness.

23). When you ask my forgiveness, I will freely give it and “take you back.”

24). I will defend you to others, even when you are, iny opinion, wrong.

25). I will always look for the best in you and let the worst pass.

These are also the things I look for in a friend. It is amazing how many “friends” people claim to have these days. True friends are those who will be there for you, stick by you, and care for you in the sunny days and the stormy ones.

To my friends (and even more to my family and Seekers) I hope I have been this kind of friend to you. Please accept my warmest wishes for a blessed and holy Holiday Season and a happy and prosperous 2009.

Love to all,

J.

Confrontation

For another take on this same subject, please read what Nicole wrote at http://sacredwildspirituality.blogspot.com. Also: Nicole is ramping up her Spiritual Life Coaching Practice. She is going to do this nationally and internationally through Skype and phone, and here in the Denver Front Range face-to-face, or by Skype or phone. If you know those who would benefit from wise counsel, please give Nicole a call at 720.261.4405, or write her at nheckers@spiritualmasterysecrets.org.

A beloved friend of mine (closer to me than my blood sister) was recently hurt by a friend doing something incredibly slimy. This friend is a very wonderful lady, and a “nice person.” Being in the “Spiritual World” for quite a while, her inclination was to let the slimy person off the hook and not say anything. I thought that she should let this individual know that what was done was not O.K. Here’s why.

It doesn’t necessarily do any good in the moment to let people know that they’ve been inappropriate, nor is it always necessary. I’ve found that some people have taken it on themselves to try to instruct anyone and everyone in what they consider proper manners.

After I had suffered a pretty severe shoulder injury, but had gotten my arm out of the sling, my wife and I were walking in the Convention Center. She was carrying a small banker’s box which I, regrettably, could not do. In fact, I couldn’t lift above about 2 pounds at that point without being in agonizing pain (rotator cuff injuries hurt, even if sustained, as mine was, in congenital stupidity). A man walking along took it upon himself to reprimand me saying, “You should be carrying that box.” I said nothing and walked on, sending thoughts of karma his way.

It was none of this guy’s business. He didn’t know the situation, and had no right to comment whatsoever. I’ve had people comment on my relationship with my wife, which works well for us. This is also none of their business. I’ve heard people comment on the weight of others, which is incredibly rude. Questions about child bearing plans, even from family members, is also entirely inappropriate.

Inappropriate comments should be met with some variation of “shut up and mind your own business.” I probably should have said “Mind your own business” to the rude individual in the hallway at the Convention Center.

But, more importantly, when someone with whom you are interacting as a friend, date, business associate, family member, or other close relationship does something inappropriate, it is vital to “call them” on it.

A great deal of the rudeness of today’s society is that some people believe it is just fine to be rude. No one has placed boundaries on them for fear of “offending,” so they go on offending. We have a responsibility as “Spiritual People” to call people on their inappropriate behavior.

How far should this go? Well, I’m beginning to believe it should go pretty far. In our business we used to let the very few deadbeats who didn’t pay the second half of their fee slide. Now we try to work with them, but, if they’re being stubborn, not making arrangements with us, or even trying to pay the bill, they go to either collection or the attorneys. Not doing this is unfair to the 98% of the people who do pay their bills with us, and monumentally disrespectful of our own work. This is also the best for the deadbeat, as the longer one goes with this sort of bad karma, the worse it hits when it does hit…and it always does. We also determined that holding people to their responsibilities allows us to meet ours, and is in integrity for everyone.

Thus, if someone does not carry through on a promise (within a very relaxed time frame — things do come up) I will confront them on it, and that confrontation must sometimes be quite direct. Of course, those who do not keep commitments always have their excuses and B.S. This is the nature of our society where no one seems to be willing to stand up and take responsibility for messing up. After all, a President is leaving office who would never admit that he’d made a mistake. This is very frightening in a leader, even a poor one. Even Fidel Castro, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin and Saddam Hussein admitted to their people that they’d made mistakes from time to time. But not George W. Bush. He believed he was always right, regardless of inconvenient things like facts. This set a very poor example (as well as the other things he did…like approve torture) for people. What is frightening is that some people still believe that Bush was a good president. I wonder sometimes if certain segments of America are irreversibly brain damaged.

The roots of this societally pervasive character flaw include our schools, zero-tolerance policies (which are always a mistake), and the combination of the nanny state and police state that America has become. But it is a character flaw that must not exist in Spiritual People. We, of course, understand that we are radically responsible for our lives and must, also, therefore, take responsibility when have hurt someone or done something that is not in integrity.

The corollary of this is that we have a responsibility to gently and lovingly teach others. This often means setting boundaries on inappropriate behavior. If done in a spirit of love and gentleness, this will often lead to a closer relationship. Setting these boundaries on inappropriate behavior keeps us from becoming angry and resentful and poisoning the relationship over time. It also allows for the opportunity of free and open discussion of one another’s values and feelings in these situations, clearing the channels of communication.

Peace, love, joy and prosperity,

J.